Tranny Dads
a most intentional fatherhood
I’m a proud father of four wonderful children. It is so core to my being. As a trans man, I had to make so many choices about how to go about bringing my children into the world. Adoption or artificial insemination? Anonymous donor or known donor? Bottle or chest feed? It takes a lot of consideration not only about the mechanics and financial and legal planning, but also about what it means to be a father.
When I gave birth to my oldest child in 1999, trans dads were unheard of. Now a quick Google search brings up tons of images, stories and videos of seahorse dads and other ways that trans men are having babies. I had three criteria before I would consider having children: steady income, secure housing with a room for the child, and healthcare. But I took for granted having a partner to raise the children with me.
This Father’s Day, I want to focus on the story of my friend Max, a single trans Papa-to-be. It is a story about love and dedication. It is a story of anguish. It is a story of queer community overcoming odds and creating beauty and life.
Meet Max
My kids call him Max Longbeard. They just adore him and get so excited whenever he visits us for dinner. I don’t know what it is, but kids just gravitate to him; big kids, too. Max teaches in an alternative high school and he has been volunteering with at-risk youth for many years. Young people trust him. I think it’s because he really listens to them. He’s got the perfect balance of taking things kids say seriously, but not taking anything too seriously.
Another thing about Max is that he never lets convention get in his way. If he wants something, he just up and does it. He has a way of calmly walking into unchartered territory as if it were nothing. Whether it’s a career change or a doctoral program or simply juggling so many things at once, Max doesn’t bat an eye. He just keeps going. But one thing he didn’t have — and that was a kid of his own.
He just wanted so badly to be a Papa. Eventually, he made the decision to be a single parent. Today, he is awaiting the birth of a child he has dubbed Cashew. To understand the magnitude Cashew’s coming into being, you have to know some of what led up to this moment.
The Back Story
When he started his transition, Max was working in computer science. He was in a relationship with a woman who had two kids with whom he developed a parental relationship. However, when the romantic relationship between the adults ended, she cut him off from the kids. Thus came the first hard lesson in parenting. Love isn’t enough to make it legally binding.
Max forged on, volunteering to teach computer science classes at a center for empowering teenage girls. He found it so rewarding, he decided to become a teacher and he landed a position at the local alternative high school. At the same time, he was actively involved in the city’s annual Pride Festival and was one of the co-founders of TransPonder, a local non-profit for the trans/gender-diverse community. On top of all that, he enrolled in a doctoral program in education, focusing on supporting transgender and gender expansive students in STEM and computer science education.
But in his personal life, although well loved by many, he had no prospects that might lead to parenting. As the years went by, he made the decision that if he wanted a child he was going to have to do something about it — on his own. He doesn’t have the equipment to bear a child himself. So he looked into adoption. Remember the part about being unconventional? Well, Max put out the word that he wanted a baby and he found a couple in the community who had an unwanted pregnancy. They agreed to allow Max to adopt the baby from them.
After supporting the birth mother through the pregnancy and birth, then waiting a few weeks before taking full custody, Max finally had his own child. Plenty of his friends, myself included, wondered how having a baby would change his lifestyle. Not much. Max incorporated that kid into every aspect of his life. I was with Max at a conference when the maternal grandmother came and took the baby away. His parenthood lasted all of 38 days. The pain of that reversed adoption on top of the loss of his two “step kids” was horrible.
After recovering from the loss, Max began looking into surrogacy. He tried again to find people in the community through word of mouth. But wary of finding himself in yet another unprotected legal situation, he inquired with a surrogacy agency. As expected, the expense was a lot, especially when your income is from teaching in a public school. But at this point, Max felt like there was nothing more important for him to be investing in. He threw everything he had into it. What happened next is the stuff of movies.
Queers Helping Queers
Without eggs or sperm of his own, the first thing Max needed was fertilized eggs. Couples who use in vitro fertilization (IVF) often have several eggs fertilized in the lab and freeze the extra embryos. Max found a gay male couple in London who had embryos to donate. While it is illegal to sell human embryos, it is customary to charge for cryopreservation, storage, and transfer expenses. Looking at his budget, Max could afford three.
The next step was to find a surrogate. Through the help of the surrogacy agency, he found J who lives just two hours away from him. J is a queer nonbinary solo parent who has experience with being a gestational carrier and a midwife. They have been open and inclusive with Max through every step of the process.
Through my experience as a fertility and birth worker, I have gotten to witness a beautiful and uniquely queer phenomenon. When queer and trans people are dependent upon others to help build their family, I often see it turned into a joyous opportunity for connection. I was then fortunate enough to get to build my own relationships in this way with those who helped create my children. And now, I’m so grateful for the opportunity to be on the “helper” end of this act of co-creation. — J
Fittingly, J and Max implanted the first embryo on Transgender Day of Visibility. They are now in the second trimester and baby Cashew is going strong! Cashew was created by the combined contributions of a transgender Papa, a gay couple, a nonbinary surrogate, a fertility specialist who also provides hormone replacement for transgender patients, and now a queer midwife as well. A whole rainbow!
Dedication
This Father’s Day, I tip my hat to Max, the most dedicated and perseverant Papa I know. More than that, I tip my wallet as well. I created a GoFundMe to support Max in this final stretch. He has invested his savings and taken a loan out on his house to cover all but the last $25,000 of this miracle. We who know Max have an opportunity to give back to someone who has given us so much. But even beyond that, people all over who believe in queer families and the lengths they must go through are creating a network of support by giving even a small amount. Right now, when laws are being passed all around the country to criminalize being transgender, it feels wonderful to support transgender joy. Feel free to pass this story along to anyone who might want to chip in.
Happy Father’s Day to all kinds of trans dads. Let’s keep showing the world how wonderful we and our kids are. Whether you had children before your transition, or gave birth, or attended a partner giving birth, or adopted, or are a step-parent, or a foster parent, or some other alternative — you are a father and that is such a wonderful gift to the world.